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FOR MEN TIRED OF MALE BASHING JOKES
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1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2.. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
3. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . ."
4. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
5. All wives are alike. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
6. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
7. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
8. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Many say monogamy is the same.
9. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
10. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
11. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,"Dust!"
12. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
13. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.
14. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
15. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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RULES THAT GUYS WISHED GIRLS KNEW
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
7. Shopping is something we will never enjoy.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
9. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
10. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
13. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
17. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
18. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
19. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
20. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
21. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
23. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
24. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
25. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
26. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
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