Submitted by Brillo


I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good she'll give me the other one.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you are Shakespeare?

I eat swiss cheese, but I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in a dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could afford only half the lessons. Now I can ride a unicycle.

Get a bunch of 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up to three miles late to meetings.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horse side-saddle.

If you look like the photo on your driver's license, you aren't well enough to drive.

A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed."

Warning: Dates on the calendar are closer than they appear.

I just got a physical and asked the doctor, "How do I stand?" He said, "That's what puzzles me."

If God had intended man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees.

Why is the word "abbreviation" such a big word?

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

Then there was the time Geronimo jumped out of an airplane and yelled, "MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

The chance that you'll forget something is directly proportional to.....to....ah.....

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Is Dan Quayle's name spelled with an "e" on the end?

Honk if you like peace and quiet.

There are three kinds of people in the world; those who can count and those that can't.

Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control.

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccassins, you can't imagine the smell.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egoists: They don't talk about other people.

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received better instructions.

Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

When the chips are down, the cow is empty.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

Why does a cowboy have two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, so does the other.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then Congress is the opposite of progress.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.

Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you're upside down!

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam me my clothes.

Welcome to the Psyciatric Hot Line:
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
- If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.

Why isn't the word "phonetic" spelled the way is sounds?

I bought some batteries the other day, but batteries weren't included so I had to go back and buy some more.

There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a full refund?

If you had everything, where would you keep it?

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse it.

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the first one meant to be thrown away?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

The smell of a crowded elevator is quite different to a midget.

The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.

Two wrongs don't make a right. But three rights make a left.

Why did kamikaze pilots need helmets?

There's so much sand in Nortern Africa that if it were spread out, it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.

Now let's all repeat the nonconformist oath.....

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.

Introducing "LITE" - the new way to spell "LIGHT" with 20% fewer letters!

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.

The speed of time is one second per second.

Inside this fat body there's a skinny person screaming to get out.
I ate him.

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual trip around the sun.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

If only Karen Carpenter had eaten the sandwich that Mama Cass choked on - both of them might still be alive today.

Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to be paid back.

Be different. Conform.

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'm going to forget.

If I melted dry ice, could I swim in it and not get wet?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God.

I am one with the universe - on a scale from one to ten.

Wild beasts won't harm you if you carry a blazing torch - provided you carry it fast enough.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?

A harp is a piano with no clothes on.

A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

If you can lead it to water and force it drink, it isn't a horse.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

Animal testing is a bad idea - they get nervous and give the wrong answers.

Love thy neighbor - tune thy piano.

Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste.

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.

To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is the question... or is it?

When you do a good deed, get a receipt - in case heaven is like the IRS.

There's no future in time travel.

If life is like a stage, I want better lighting.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with a engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you real alright?