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WOMENS GUIDE TO DRIVING MEN CRAZY

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.

2. Be ambiguous. Always.

3. Cry. Cry often.

4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.

5. Make them apologize for everything.

6. Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

7. Look them in the eye and start laughing.

8. Get mad at them for everything.

9. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

10. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.

11. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.

12. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.

13. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

14. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24 - 7. Compare and contrast.

15. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

16. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

17. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

18. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

19. Leave out the good parts in stories.

20. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

21. Criticize the way they dress.

22. Criticize the music they listen to.

23. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

24. Try to change them.

25. Try to mold them.

26. Try to get them to dance.

27. When they screw up, never let them forget it.

28. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting...just because.

29. Blame everything on PMS.

30. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

31. Read into everything..

32. Over-analyze everything.

WOMENS JOKES

Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece.

Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friends.
So which is the dumber sex?

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000 miles, whichever came first.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

KOW'S CONTRIBUTION

And God created woman and she had 3 breasts.

He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle
breast?"

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand, "What
can be done with this useless boob?"

And God created man