all the things my mother taught me

My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"


My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."


My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."


My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."


My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."


My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"


My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"


My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."


My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."


My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"


My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"


My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."


My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
Stop acting like your father!"


My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

MOM'S DICTIONARY

AIRPLANE:What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.


ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.


APPLE: Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.


BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.


BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.


BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.


BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.


CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.


CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.


CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.


COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption.2. Mom's other name.


COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.


DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.


DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.


DUST: Insideous interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.


DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."


EAR: A place where kids store dirt.


EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.


EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."


ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.


"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.


EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.


FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.


FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See"SARCASM"


FROZEN: 1. A type of food.2. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.


GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.


GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.


GUM: Adhesive for the hair.


HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.


HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves,drapes,etc.


HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.


HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.


HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.


ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.


INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.


"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom


JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.


JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.


"JEEEEEEEEZ!" : Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"


JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.


JUNK: Dad's stuff.


KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.


KISS: Mom medicine.


LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.


LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of .15 cents.


LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.


LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"


MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."


MAYBE: No.


MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.


"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.


MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.


NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.


PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.


OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.


OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.


OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.