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PARENTING DEFINITIONS

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

OTHER DEFINITIONS

Thingy (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.


Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.


Butt (but) n.

Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.


Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.


Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.


Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.


Making love (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.


Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

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Antacid: Uncle Acid's wife.

Antelope: How she married my Uncle.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the
shoes that she wanted.

Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get
married.

Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic.

Castanets: What they did to fill the role of
Frankie Avalon's movie girlfriend.

Celtics: What a parasite salesman does.

Concert: A breath mint for inmates.

Consist: A growth on an inmate.

Content: A fabric shelter for inmates.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Convent: How inmates get air conditioning.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Crestfallen: Dropped toothpaste.

Cross-eyed Teacher: A teacher that looses control over his or her pupils.

Decrease: De fold in de pants.

Demote: What de king put around de castle.

Despise: De persons who work for the CIA.

Detention: What causes de stress.

Dictator: Another name for Richard Spud.

Dilate: When a person lives longer.

Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle.

Dreadlocks: the fear of opening the dead-bolt.