JOKES 2

USELESS AMUSEMENT

JOKES 2

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, Doctor. Every time we're in
bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The
problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking
session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!".

DECEPTIVE SEX:
A married man and his secretary were having a
torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain
their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked (thinking he is pretty weird). The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again,haven't you???

And last but not least!

YOUNG SEX:
A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked: "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?
"The little boy replied "That's too old fashioned ... spit out your gum, I want to play President.

Top ten reasons that the computer must be female:

1.Picky, Picky, Picky
2.They hear what you say but not what you mean
3.Beauty is only shell deep
4.When you ask what's wrong they say "nothing"
5.Can produce incorrect results at alarming speed
6.Always turning simple statements into big productions
7.Smalltalk is important
8.You can do the same thing for years and suddenly it's wrong
9.They make you take the garbage out
10.One missed period and they go wild

Top 10 reasons that the computer must be male:

1.They have a lot of data but are still clueless
2.A better model is just around the corner
3.They look nice and shiny until you get them home
4.It is always necessary to have a backup
5.Even the best of them are unreliable and secure
6.They never live up to the claims made for them
7.To get their attention you have to turn them on
8.Despite years of evolution they still can't think for themselves
9.They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons 10.Size does matter

THE MAN WHO LOVED BEANS
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on lke this" so he made the supreme sacrificeand gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his lonliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!!