JOKES 1

USELESS AMUSEMENT

JOKES 1

Man versus Woman

To all long suffering men:

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.

A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

HAPPINESS:

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:

Men marry because they are tired.

Women marry because they are curious.

Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.

A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...

- One is to let her think she is having her own way.

- The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MISTAKES:

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

THE BATTLE:

A woman always has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

PREACHER'S FAMILY
There was a Preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The Preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church.
The preacher got up and spoke to the crowd and said... "HAVING CHILDREN IS AN ACT OF GOD!"
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in a frail voice said
..... "SNOW AND RAIN ARE ALSO ACTS OF GOD, BUT WHEN WE GET TOO MUCH, WE WEAR RUBBERS."

AN AMERICAN IN JAMAICA
young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica .The man was in the bathroom standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon, that says 'Welcome To Jamaica, Have a Nice Day'".

REASONS NOT TO WASH
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic... For example: Reasons Not To Wash

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter. 4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time

12-STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old
son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are
called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh
I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he
asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married
men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"